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Such is life
It was a boring moment for me a few days ago. Before I drowned in all that boredom, I whipped out my handphone and scrolled through my SMSes. I’m the kind of person who keeps messages that invoke feelings in me. Be it a happy message that makes me smile or one that reminds me of a beautiful memory that occurred at some point in my life. It seems my messages represent different turning points in my life, most from the past year anyways, since I stupidly lost my handphone last year. This phone is but a virgin to me.
Now, as I scrolled through the messages, I realised something. There were these few messages I received that were total opposites of each other. The first few were messages that were filled with joy and I felt happy reading them. But the following messages, they were a total nosedive from the previous few. They made me feel that I was needy; it felt as though there was desperation scribbled all over those messages.
So… what? I need emotional enlightenment now? I need to be reminded of what are the important things that you need in your life… and I need them?! Somehow, it involves me.
I think I am an amazing person actually. Call it self-praise or whatever. Come to me for some sordid advice on “Letting your social life go up in smoke in 7 days.” I’d be glad to help. Trust me, I checked the date of the messages (it was a span of a week) and I MARVELED at the fact that I had such an accomplishment. I was amazed at how I completely ruined my life in 7 days and how it aaaaaaaaalllllllllllllll went downhill from there.
I had an epiphany! :D
I seem to be having lots of those nowadays. Anyways, friends, from now on, this brace-faced bitch here ain’t gonna be revealing any shit to you. No no, you can beg and grovel or execute whatever demeaning act you want to do to yourself, I don’t exactly… let me find the word. Hmm. Care.
Why the switcheroo you may ask? Well, sometimes when you reveal stuff to people, you want to have that protective bubble around you, right? Like, you just want to be enclosed to have people backing you up and giving you support… etc.
But, I realised that they are the exact people that I have been hurting.That’s right. Thank me, because I refuse to let you guys be the ones who have to feel burdened with all my crap. Because I know you guys want to find out my reasons… but others want your help to know about me to help them acquire something about me through you. And I can’t let that happen!
I will not let you feel cornered.
I know I sound like a mood-swinging, PMS-y S.O.A.B.
But I’m all for your welfare.
So deal with it.
Hail Mary.
_____________________
We can just pretend.
"If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!
If you’re happy and you know it and you really want to show it, if you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!"
Amidst the resounding applause, my ear drums were nudged by a niggling voice from my side.
“But I’m not happy, why should I clap?” he asked.
“Well,”
I contemplated.
Speechless; something clicked in me in that moment. It did make sense. But I couldn’t keep quiet for long; silence meant affirmation but it also meant that I had resigned to my lack of acuity.
I continued speaking, half-clapping while trying to find the voice in my head.
“Er… that’s right; you shouldn’t clap if you’re not happy. But you can pretend.”
I paused. What did I just put into that kid’s mind?
For the record, the kid did clap along. But my way of convincing him? Not all that good.
But I learnt something, I really did. I learnt that I cannot allow others to live in the world I’m in and I cannot let them feel the way I do. It is impossible to do so, in my opinion.
Maybe, just maybe, I seek to find comfort in that familiarity. Although I think, it is warped. My familiarity is warped.
And I don’t intend to correct that anytime soon.
A song that connects with me, and I think fits this post really well.
Mayday - 你不是真正的快乐
Click here to download
你不是真正的快乐
你的笑只是你穿的保护色
你决定不恨了 也决定不爱了
把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳
你不是真正的快乐
你的伤从不肯完全的愈合
We can just pretend, we can just pretend.
Yeah, yeah.
*clap clap*
Hail Mary.
_____________________
Up and down
I’m gonna share with everyone some things that cheered me up last week.
Although the euphoria was… temporary, it felt good.
Well, first up was class service learning at Cairnhill CC. We were volunteers for this annual party for children with disabilities. Each of us was assigned to one child and basically we had to take care of the kids during the event. Hmm, well a lot of things happened because my kid is a total brat. But that was initially, he warmed up to me in the end and we had a lot of fun together in the end. My kid doesn’t have any disabilities but he was just super hyper. It doesn’t help when there is like, free flow of popcorn and candy floss? How can the kids not be hyper? Anyways, yeah, I spent the entire day following him around, I felt like a domestic helper at times, but I didn’t mind!
I must say that it was indeed a memorable day for all of us who were there. You just get this sense of satisfaction from doing volunteer work. Oh, my feet hurt like shit at the end of the day but it was totally worth it. Yups.
Shall post pictures once I get them!
Even if you’re not a fan of gossip girl, just watch it!
It’s hilarious!
Blair’s Confession
And finally, I have a new game for all of you to try out!
It’s really funny and fun!
http://www.superobamaworld.com/
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Thanks Matt.
Don't feel like death and misery kay?
Hail Mary.
_____________________
PSLTC 2008
This is the THIRD time that I have attended Peer Support Leadership Training Camp (PSLTC). Oh man, I feel old already. Yep, I attended one to get my red shirt, one for my black shirt and this time, as an old boy! =(
Too bad I missed last year’s though, I bet it was just as fun!
Anyways, I wanna thank Ms Tang, all the juniors, SPSLs, Sec 4s (all the best for O’s!), fellow J1s and the J2s who made that day a memorable one! Imagine that, Victorians from Sec 2 all the way to J2 all congregated in our lovely canteen that night. Coolness.
Initially, I only wanted to go for the BBQ and catch up with everyone. But hey, I was convinced by the rest to stay the night and help out with the night walk.
So we started off the night walk segment by watching some Korean horror movie which bored me. I’m sorry but I really didn’t think that it was scary at all, y’all. Some people were really timid though. My fellow J1s were hiding behind the sofa when they were watching! You guys know who you are, haha!
I ended up sleeping through the movie because I had a slight flu that day so I was really tired out. But not tired out enough to help out with the night walk, of course.
Started off the night walk with me, Hans, Chin Boon and Yun Jun being assigned to the gym toilet. The tiny, stinky toilet that was roach-infested in the corner and not the one with the showers in it. I never knew that toilet existed though.
Hans and I went to hide in one of cubicles and just did a lot of stupid things to scare the juniors. This guy freaked when we made noised like flushing the toilet, banging the doors and making squeaky noises with the door lock. He lost it and banged our cubicle door when he heard the noises. Hans and I were like, “What…?”
Anyways let me list out some of the weird antics of the juniors.
The “Open door” guy:
This guy took ages to get out of the gym toilet. He spent like 5 minutes grabbing the toilet dustbin and a brick to hold open the toilet door before going in.
The “Kick the toilet door” guy:
Kicked the toilet door open TWICE before making his way in.
The “Talk to himself “guy:
Walked into the toilet chanting phrases like, “This is just a toilet, I’m just doing a night walk…” etc.
The Stomper:
Made his way into the toilet and stomped on the ground a few times to make loud noises before approaching the paper to sign his name.
Er, okay. There were many other weird actions as well. Honestly, I think the juniors need to chill and take on the night walk as it comes. I don’t think Hans and I did a lot of scary actions? We’re not as scary as others, really.
People, if you meet Danial during your night walk… you’re in for some scary shit. I even got scared by Danial!
Oh yes, Safi and I had a great time sneaking into the tennis court and scaring the juniors as they were walking to the sand pit. That was the first time that I ever sneaked into the tennis court. It was so exhilarating!
We finally ended the night walk at around 4.30 a.m. I sacrificed my beauty sleep okay?!
Pictures!
Shervin and Weng Keong!
Thanks for the great, perfectly cooked food and setting aside all those food for us!
Hans, I think Marcus feels you look better that way!
Just kidding!
Now what's a camera, me and Hans gonna do together?!
We camwhore, y'all.
So fierce, Hans.
The chicken wings remind me of how the juniors played with their chicken wings by making the chicken wings "Fall in", "Squeeze" and "Adjust".
That was super lame!
Thanks for the chicken wings! =D
We ate sooo much!
No more chicken wings for me for the next few days.
Introducing... Megan! Cuteness personified!
Ms Tang, what did you feed her?!
She grew up so fast!
Hans and Megan!
Megan and I!
Hans, you're so bad at taking pictures!
Tsk.
Hans, Marcus, Ren An, Yun Jun, Marcus, Safi and I!
I giggled when I looked at Ren An's expression! Heh.
I like this picture best! =)
Thanks a million, everyone!
Because Victorian PSLs make sure that:
You never stand alone.
Hail Mary.
_____________________
Cra(m)p!
The water rushed over his body as he parted the water with his hands.
He had been swimming the breaststroke for the past 30 minutes and he was bored.
He was bored of repeating the same movements over and over again.
Kick, push and take a breath.
“It’s been a long time since I last swam,” he thought.
“I should try the freestyle; it’s been a while since I last did that.”
He took a deep breath and pictured how it was like to swim the freestyle.
“Do I lock my knees or not? Oh heck, I’m just going to go for it.”
Like a baby, he focused his energy at his feet and started kicking. As he kicked, he propelled himself forward and continued to slice through the water with his hands.
A jolt of pain ran through his foot. What’s a little pain?
He continued pushing through the water and felt glad that he could still execute movement with the swimming style that he had not tried out for such a long time.
He kicked and kicked and created huge, lovely white foam in the water, surrounded by a vortex of bubbles.
Ooh. This is fun.
And in a split second, that fun and happiness dissipated as pain surged through his foot.
Cramp! Oh crap.
At a time like this?!
Now?!
What is the world coming to?
Restricting the movement in his aching foot as much as possible, he swam to the edge of the pool and carefully climbed out.
As he removed his goggles from his head, he pulled out a few strands of his hair.
Ow, thanks.
So he hobbled towards a chair and sat down. But the pain wouldn’t go away. He shook and rotated his foot a little. Ain’t working…
Alright, drastic measures then.
He sat down on the stony ground and stretched out his foot, pressing the ball of his foot against the wall.
Push!!!
He pushed and pulled his foot countless times against the wall till the pain subsided.
He cracked a smile.
He felt like a pregnant woman in labour.
Well, you gotta do, what you gotta do.
Ah, relief.
If only all problems could be solved so easily.
We never know the worth of water till the well is dry.
– Thomas Fuller
Hail Mary.
_____________________
High School Musi-cale
Caught HSM3 last week.
It ain’t half bad, quite touching at some points in the movie. The lady who sat in front me was sobbing while she watched the show. Watch it for the great choreography and songs, ignore the story plot though. It’ll probably just zoom past over your head anyway while you listen to the songs.
Before the show, hung out with the others for a while and we chatted, joked, and laughed. Amos tagged along as well. Anyways, one conversation between Jun Hao and Amos went something like this:
Amos was first asking about HSM because he didn’t catch the first 2 movies.
JH: *talks about HSM fervently*
Amos: Chey, like that only? You should go down to my HDB flat then.
JH: Why?
Amos: Well, at the bottom of my house got a lot of WILD CATS what.
JH: *stunned*
I started to imagine some really disturbing images involving wild cats… erhem.
Laughed damn hard as well, haha.
Okays some pictures!
JH, what are you doing?!
Tsk, tsk.
I am not trying to kiss Vanessa "I'm-not-so-innocent-but-I-like-acting-like-a-virgin" Hudgens.
I was trying to pose like her!
Failed miserably though.
Ended up with a sore shoulder.
Ouch.
Me, Zheng Hui and Jun Hao.
I look weird here...
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On a happier note...
Project Work is over for the year!
Yeah!
I'll dedicate another post to that another time!
I did something nice today.
It feels nice and uplifting.(:
Hail Mary.