_____________________
Think Pink.
I think today was a good examination day as compared to others.
Chinese isn’t exactly my forte, although I felt that it was surprisingly manageable.
Believe me; I’m still reeling from the fact that I actually am quite confident in MT paper.
But you never know with O levels…
I really disliked my sitting position today.
Surrounding me were all PRC scholars.
1 was in front of me and 2 were on either side of my seat.
The PRC scholar on my right had this pen that had a squeaky, scratchy-like sound when he wrote his answers on the script. And judging by the furious screeching from his pen, I could tell that he was writing at breakneck speed. That of course, stressed the hell outta me because he had completed all his comprehension passages with 30 minutes to spare for summary.
But, I guess I actually have to thank him for being quick because I was coerced to write even faster for my answers. Especially the “copy-and-paste” answers you know. That being said, I actually completed the paper 2 with 2 minutes to spare. Gosh.
Another thing that got on my nerves was the invigilator that was in charge of my row. Let’s call her Little Miss Pink (LMP).
LMP looked tired and weary, probably from having to wake up early and come to our school. Her face seemed to be stuck in a “Don’t mess with me, get out of my way, idiot” expression. Ok totally understandable.
But LMP, you needn’t have to shove the exam booklet in my face and cause it to almost slip off the table if not for me catching it. Take your time, for goodness sake; you’re not in some sort of competition with the other invigilators right?
Also I actually bothered to hold up my answer script for you to collect more conveniently but you didn’t have to snatch it from me… I mean seriously, chill.
Ugh.
So I have come to that conclusion that LMP was plagued with the following issues:
1. It’s the holidays and she still has to do invigilation.
2. She’s depressed.
3. She’s feeling bitchy.
4. She feels small in an all-boys school. Maybe she just wasn’t used to being in one. 5. I think I felt a feministic vibe from her. *shudders*
6. She’s in desperate need of more pink to brighten her life.
7. Finally, it’s that time of the month, which practically sums up everything.
I say, cheer up, Miss Pink!
Alright, enough of small talk.
I just want to thank my Chinese tutor who has dedicated two years of her life to teach and help me improve my Chinese to the best of her ability. It was definitely a great experience to be under your tutelage. Hopefully, I have done my best to produce the best results.
My tuition group had our last Chinese lesson with her yesterday. She wished us all the best and promised to check up on us in the coming days. In the end, it ended on a cheery, laugh out loud note.
But somehow I felt that she was masking her emotions in her heart as she closed the gate when we had all exited her home. Her eyes were… full, quite indescribable actually. It felt to me that she was playing out the memories in her mind…
Whatever the case, thank you once again for going through one assessment book after another and being ever so understanding. I think all of us appreciate that.
For now, I will do my best for Physics just for my form teacher who has put her trust and belief in me that I will be able to excel.
My mum told me to not think about all my subjects and regrets that are harbouring in my heart.
Well, hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
I look forward to it.
Because I really do need it.
Hail Mary.
_____________________
Screw up? Lighten up.
I don’t think there’s any point brooding over any subjects that we have sat for so far in the past week. There really isn’t.
No matter how many times you tell someone u screwed up or did something careless/dumb/whatever. It changes NOTHING.
The most you can get into is a heated debate amongst your friends and what do you get in the end? A sore throat. So much for productive discussion…
A certain person has been MSN-ing me and asking me if exams are fine. I feel kinda bad/annoyed talking about it and I don’t appreciate the fact that maybe you’re already a six-pointer and have always done so well in your studies your life is going great and WOW, now I have to be bothered about your life?
I say, go get a new life darling.
Many people have also ranted that they have fucked up their exams and everywhere you hear people going fuck this, fuck that. Blah blah blah. Well, what’s there to be so fucked up about?
In the end, YOU are the one who pens down the answers in your exams script. YOU are the one who decides to sit for that paper.
YOU DECIDE TO COME TO SCHOOL FOR ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT EXAMINATIONS OF YOUR LIFE.
So stop telling me how badly you have screwed up, do you not think that I haven’t either? Life still goes on doesn’t it? Work harder for the rest of your papers then. I think I have suffered more setbacks than many of you so don’t you come complaining to me.
I’ve told myself not to feel regretful or sad that I dropped French last year. But I just can’t help it. Until now, Physics is still a bane and a bore to me. I can’t seem to score well for it. French on the other hand, was my best scoring subject apart from English. Physics gave me my first F9 of my life, you know. That’s like utterly depressing.
My Physics teacher is probably tsk-tsking me now but I really feel that I should have just sat down and thought through things even harder. I should have dropped Physics instead so I wouldn’t be in this state of mind right now.
I do have my reasons for dropping French but it doesn’t outweigh the depressing thoughts and fear in my heart now. I do feel scared and freaked out that I can’t get what I want in life and I always question myself.
Heck, I even cried a few nights ago before I fell asleep. But I can’t show it, can I? Probably because most of the people around me are oh-so-smart and this just makes me feel small. A perceived sign of weakness, insecurity, jealousy…? I don’t know.
Alright, the guilt is creeping into me now and I think I shall go hit the books again.
Bye biatches.
Hail Mary.
_____________________
Reach
I guess a lot has happened in the past few days.
And I think one way we have dealt with everything is through laughter and the company of friends. Many teachers and friends have been concerned about me, for some, overly-concerned.
Let me just say that I’m doing fine and I’m okay!
So do not worry about me because I do think of myself as a strong person.
But yes, thank you for all the care and concern you have showered over me during this tempestuous time.
I do appreciate what you guys have said or done for me --- a lot.
As we Sec 4s trudge through the coming hell-hectic weeks of the O’s, let’s remember to keep ourselves healthy and not neglect ourselves physically, mentally and emotionally.
That includes me, of course.
It will be a trying 3 weeks for all of us. But let us face this battle with courage, confidence and optimism.
Keep holding on, because we’ll make it through, make it through…
Who knows what could happen?
Good luck everyone!
We’ll need it!
=)
Hail Mary.
_____________________
A Letter
I must say I never had a good impression about you when I first saw you in tuition. After hearing a lot of remarks about you, when you stepped into the house for tuition, I didn’t think I could ever communicate or socialise with you. But you were there beside me when I needed help in my work, you taught me how to do my Physics work which I totally sucked at. You had a good sense of humour, you were popular among the guys and you had a way with the girls. My impression of you, gradually, did change. Though we only had a brief time as tuition mates, I do remember your helpful ways.
When I stepped into the AVA room yesterday, the atmosphere was lively, everyone was talking and some were smiling away. I too, was chatting with some teachers about my future decisions in school or work. Mr Low walked in and thanked us for being there. That morning I was told that he wanted to update us about your condition. As I left the house yesterday, my mum told me to be prepared for the worse but I simply shrugged her off. I mean, I didn’t think it was so serious. Mr Low read out a card your mum had given to him. She told us not to worry and then we had our own challenge to face. They had accepted what had happened and assured us that everything was fine.
Mr Low then went on to say that your condition had worsened on Tuesday and your parents had decided to not subject you to anymore operations after a consultation with the doctors. In my mind, I thought that they wanted to let you fight it out on your own, with sheer will and determination. Then P said you had moved on about 1 in the morning… My heart started pounding, my hands trembled and I felt kinda breathless. Silence descended upon the room, some started sobbing and many sniffled. The news was heart wrenching, and everyone could feel it in their hearts and in their minds.
My eyes too, welled up but we had to listen on to what P had to say. He mentioned how much you wanted to obtain that single digit in the O’s for your parents. He mentioned how much you had wanted to be in VS even though you had other opportunities to be in a better school. He mentioned how you were adamant about joining the Concert Band. He mentioned that he held your hand and told you not to worry about all your friends and family, and he hummed the Victorian Anthem to you.
After the announcement, we were all sent to separate rooms for counselling with the teachers. We were told to talk about how we felt, how we were coping with everything that had happened. No one in my group wanted to speak up, I guess they too, could not recollect their thoughts; such breaking news would grip anyone. I raised my hand and just related my thoughts and feelings to everyone. I think they had to know that I was there at the moment in time when you were hit. They had to know that I did feel a little guilty, that I felt that I didn’t do enough.
They had to know that I got into the cab after the impact. I kept thinking whether it was the right thing to do, was it a cowardly action for me to get into the cab? Was it the shock and fear that beckoned me to hop in the cab? Or simply, to not annoy the cab driver we had flagged down and just leaved him there?
In the cab I was cursing away and I just didn’t know what to do. I guess everyone would be feeling shocked and scared or whatever. But I felt empty… was I supposed to feel that way?
These were some things that I penned down on the piece of paper the teachers told us to pen our thoughts down on. I decided to hand my paper to the teacher, I think I had to move on and not hold on to something that could evoke more feelings about you in me.
After the little session, Mr Low continued to tell us about your wake and your parent’s decision to send you off in the school blazer because you are after all, one of Victoria’s sons, a part of our family. And it was only right that you be sent off in formal Victorian attire that I think was close to your heart because it was something special, something more, to don that blazer.
…
…
…
Yesterday night, as the bus left for your wake. The bus was relatively quiet; a solemn look was on everyone’s faces. I sat beside Rayson, who just stared blankly into space. He was inconsolable this morning when he heard the news and I think he was just preparing himself for what was happening next.
When we were there, we told to go up to pay our respects in groups of 4. I accompanied Rayson because I think he needed our care and support. Looking at you there and then was painful and harsh and tears flowed. But we had to take comfort in the fact that you weren’t suffering anymore, that you were in a better place. You looked peaceful and serene in your slumber.
Death is definitely not the worse thing that can happen to a person. Even though it’s hard to accept that you’re in heaven, we have to move on. We cried our grievances out, we were in your presence and we felt your bond with everyone. Because through letting it all out, I think many of us are able to find comfort in that. Even your parents didn’t want any of us to breakdown, because we know that that is not something you want to happen to any of us.
We got back to school and we formed a circle. Our arms around one another and we picked out a memory that we wanted to remember you by. A happy moment, a funny moment, anything that you could be best remembered for and we kept it in our hearts. Because no matter how long it has been since you passed we want to keep a memory of you that puts a smile on our faces.
So as I dedicate this post, I will do my best to move on. And everyone else too, to cope with everything that has happen. Sure, the grief will be there, but we have to take it by the horns and wrestle it down. Put away all our sorrows. Even though every time I walk by that pedestrian crossing, I’d think of that fateful night, but I think you were happy that day because you had gone through 4 years of your life in VS, and you had graduated as a new person altogether.
The Sec 4s will do our best for the upcoming O’s for you and we dedicate our single digits and results to you because that was your greatest wish.
Wherever you may be now, we wish you an everlasting peace, and may the Victorian Spirit be with you.
God Bless You.
Nil Sine Labore.
Hail Mary.
_____________________
Drama Trauma
I’m starting to be less disturbed by the incident, I think. But I do get paranoid sometimes and lots of things get into my head. Sometimes everything just leads back to that fateful day.
I was at Chinese tuition yesterday and my tutor cited an example of a car accident. Flash back again. Matthias smsed me to ask who was involved in the accident and I read his stupid message of all times and it reminded me again. Promptly deleted his message and refused to reply him. Sorry if I’m a bitch and all. I just don’t wanna talk about it.
I got home and my mum showed me the article of the accident in the Home section of The Straits Times. Go have a look if you haven’t already…
I didn’t want to read it but I needed to see if there were any new details. Well, mostly its things that I already knew; the only part that I overlooked was that he had bent down to pick up something but I can’t remember what. Then I saw the telephone number appealing for witnesses to come forward… it did call out to me but I didn’t want to be involved anymore so I guess I just left it at that.
Felt really lethargic and very annoyed by my tutor during tuition so I couldn’t concentrate much. Furthermore, it’s Physics exercises and it’s just so tiresome. Went online after that and chatted with JX to distract myself from letting my thoughts run wild. Told him to read my post to let him know what happened and I just started droning on about my thoughts.
Why did it have to be him? If it was someone didn’t know, I’d probably not be so “drama trauma” about it. Should it have been me instead? Touch wood I know, it’s the paranoia I think. Just imagined myself in his shoes and all…
I don’t know why but I watched a little of The Devil Wears Prada last night and I overlooked that there was a car crash scene in it and it just so happened that I forwarded the movie to that part. Coincidence? Or just one of Life’s dirty pranks being played on me?
Resumed my studying for Biology and I was dozing off a little while studying. Well what happened next is just bewilders me because I didn’t even come in contact with any blood. There was this flash of me staring down at both my hands, covered in blood and I tried to wash it off or something but the sight was still there even though nothing was on my hands… Oh my goodness. I’m seriously going nuts.
And I dread my smses now because I’m afraid I’ll receive some bad news or someone wants to ask about the incident. My handphone’s a terror now.
There’s stupid construction going on around my home and once in a while there are these loud bangs and thuds all around me.
DAMMIT CAN’T I HAVE SOME PEACE HERE??? I DON’T NEED TO HEAR MORE FUCKING THUDS OR LOUD NOISES LIKE GO AWAY I NEED TO BE ALONE I HAVE TO STUDY COS O LEVELS IS IN A WEEK. AHHH. =(
I’m trying to vent it all out so pardon my deranged and crazy writing. I need to vent vent, vent, vent, vent. Letting it all out I am!
I need to go hit the books again and not let this manifests into something that consumes me. Believe me I’m starting to think that I actually want people to sympathise and pity me and make me feel oh-so-much better because I witnessed something terrible and all I need is some TLC.
Maybe that’s what happening to me but I’m confused and lost and feeling weird and scrunched up inside so yeah, I have to deal with it.
Find hope in the darkness and find the inner strength to push it all out…
Hail Mary.
_____________________
0.737373.......
I wanted to blog about Graduation Day.
I wanted to gush about everyone and everything about Graduation Day.
I wanted to post lots and lots of pictures of Graduation Day.
I wanted to write all my thanks to everyone after Graduation Day.
I wanted to make it the most memorable and heartfelt post of my Graduation Day.
I wanted to… I wanted to do so many things.
But I can’t bring myself to.
Not after what happened.
After the Graduation Day award presentation, the fun, the laughter, the joy and all the cheers and being rammed in the face during the spelling cheer, it couldn’t compare to what happened as I made my way home.
I bade goodbye to everyone and made my way across the road. Vincent was accompanying me across and we decided to cab home instead. It had been a really tiring and eventful day and we were inevitably, drained.
We crossed the road and waited for the taxi to arrive. I stuck my hand out to flag the taxi down. Caught a glimpse of 2 other VS boys crossing the road, Vincent told me who one of them was, a person whom I have met and spoken with before. Turned around and continued looking out for cabs.
Finally managed to get the cab, as the cab slowed down for us, a car zoomed by and a sickening thud was heard. What happened in front of me next was the image of a VS boy on the windshield of the maroon car and then being flung on the side of the road.
I was shocked. And I wasn’t the only one. What happened next was just a flurry but I’ll detail it as best I can. His friend turned around, bewildered at the noise, when he saw his friend on the ground, he just stared and whipped out his handphone, but I guess he was at a loss too.
The maroon car stalled a distance away. The driver, a lady, seemed to be immobilised at the steering wheel. The braking lights were still on and the car remained stationary. No more movement from neither the car nor the driver.
A group of boys from 4F were at the bus stop at the side of the road and they quickly ran across the road to see what was happening. One of them started dialling for an ambulance. 2 joggers approached the scene to check out the commotion.
The VS boy was sprawled on the ground. His tie was over his back and he clutched his head with his hand. I saw the back of his body so I don’t know how severe the injury was. His hand slipped of his head, and he just lay there.
I got into the cab with Vincent and while trying to see what was happening, we forgot to tell the driver where we wanted to go. That wasn’t the priority at this moment. Someone in school had to be notified. As our cab drove off, Vincent made a few calls to his band friends and I frantically dialled for the other student leaders whom I believed were still in school
The ringing was endless, 2 calls to 2 other Victorians were met with engaged tones. What was happening?
“Should I tell a teacher?” I questioned Vincent nervously. He affirmed my question and I dialled for Ms Tang.
The ringing started again.
Thankfully, Ms Tang picked up the call and I reported what happened to her. I could hear that she was beginning to feel uptight too and I told her as much details as I could and she hung up.
At that moment, the emotions stirred up in me. Should I have stayed back to help? Should I have approached to see if I could do anything? Did I not have the moral courage to stay back at the scene? I kept asking myself, what could I have done? Am I a coward? No no, he’d be fine. There were other guys to take care of him. Being there would only add to the commotion.
But you could have helped! You could!
I reeled from the images that raced through my mind. Oh god, it was the first time I’ve ever witnessed an accident in my life.
Vincent was fine; it wasn’t the first time for him.
The cab driver was giving us his version of the accident and we discussed about it for a while. Oh man oh man oh man.
I reached home and I told my mum all about it. She too, was shocked at the news. I messaged Ms Tang to find out about the situation and she said he was okay and was under treatment… On our Graduation Day, the last day of school, slightly over a week to our O Levels. And just a second or two…
…
…
…
I made my way to school today as per normal. Mr Low made a very serious announcement to the school and stressed on road safety. The images continued flashing through my mind. That moment, that split second, the collision…
I couldn’t be there to listen anymore so I made my way down to the library. Related the incident to the staff of the library and Mdm Ng asked if I needed counselling. I asked myself that too but I told her I was fine.
Throughout the day, the images kept recurring. Even now as I type this, my mind is filled with the incident and I feel suppressed somehow, like I can’t breathe properly.
The only reason why I’m typing this is because Mrs Setho told me to. She told me to let it out in words, through pictures through listening to music… Both she and Ms Tang came into the library and gave me a long talk about everything that happened.
Mrs Setho wouldn’t be appeased when I told her I was fine. She said she would check up on me. I said I was fine but I couldn’t control myself, I felt warm and flushed all over, my hands trembled. Was it the air-conditioning? I questioned myself mentally.
Ms Tang told me that my call helped a lot as she was able to notify his parents quickly and Mr Low was informed too. I heard she accompanied him on the ambulance… Somehow, I felt a little comfort but it was only temporary. I’m still thinking if I did the right thing…
Oh gosh, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!
I asked Ms Tang how he was but she wouldn’t tell me. She told me not to be concerned and just focus on the more important things at hand, my exams for example.
I’ll try my best to move on but the image keeps popping into my head when I’m not focussed on other things.
I need to find time to repair myself, I really do. I need to put it behind me, but I think it's gonna take a while. Please give me the space that I need...
And guys, please stop discussing about it. What happened has happened and the more you guys chat about it around me, it affects me.
Please, I hope you understand.
Please be on the road to recovery, we’re all behind you, supporting you and praying for you. I’ve spoken with you before and you helped me in my work, I appreciate that. Now you need to find the strength in yourself to battle your way through.
Be safe and well.
Hail Mary.
_____________________
Heartfelt
I love you ima dake wa kanashii uta kikitakunai yo
I love you nogare nogare tadoritsuita kono heya
Nani mo kamo yurusareta koi jyanai kara futari wa marude sute nekomitai
Kono heya wa ochiba ni umoreta akibako mitai
Dakara omae wa koneko no youna nakigoe de
(*) Kishimu beddo no ue de yasashisa wo mochiyori
Kitsuku karada dakishime aeba
Sore kara mata futari wa me wo tojiru yo
Kanashii uta ni ai ga shirakete shimawanu youni
I love you wakasugiru futari no ai ni wa furerarenu himitsu ga aru
I love you ima no kurashi no naka de wa tadori tsukenai
Hitotsu ni kasanari ikiteyuku koi wo yume mite kizutsuku dake no futari da yo
Nando mo aishiterutte kiku omae wa kono ai nashi de wa ikite sae yukenai to
Repeat (*)
Hail Mary.
_____________________
Douze/It pains me...
I think for the past few weeks, the word on many of the Sec 4s’ lips was “Moderate”, now that it had translated into reality for certain subjects, some are just bouncing off the walls with joy.
Sadly, I’m not one of them.
It pains me to see my results in a mess.
It pains me to look over my exam scripts over and over again, searching desperately for that one mark to push me up a grade.
It pains me to argue or even beg with the teacher for a sound reasoning to my answers so that it will be accepted.
It pains me to be rejected over and over again.
It pains me to see others asking me for my results and I feel dejected just mouthing a reply for them.
It pains me when teachers ask me for my results and I get replies such as “What happened?” or “Wah, so bad!”
It pains me to see others doing so much better, and I too, did better, but not enough for me.
It pains me when people boast to me about their “pure” results and go “Yay!” and grin widely because they did better than me.
Does it please you that I falter?
Do results tear everyone apart?
Does it unleash your inner bitch?
I’m sorry that I did better than you in a certain subject; you don’t have to exclaim “Wah lao!” so loudly for the whole world to hear. You don’t have to slap me on my back time after time again to express your unhappiness/jealousy.
Would that appease your the displeasure in your heart?
Besides I never boasted about it. What good will come out of it?
When you do better than me or anyone overall, does that mean you can turn into a snob?
That can never be compared to someone who has a good heart even if his academia isn’t very good.
No matter how much I go one about this, I think it’s endless. A few more mock exams to go and I will prove myself. I won’t let myself down and I won’t let you be an obstacle.
Graduation Day 2007 is in a few days and I hope I will graduate happy and bright.
The “O’ levels are in 2 weeks.
And I quote from a friend of mine;
Can someone say,
”Die?”
Hail Mary.