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Questions...
I’ve been running words in my head on how to make this post unemotional without using any expletives but I realised I can’t really express myself through proper words right now. So I shall let you know that the following paragraphs will contain hard words. Not that that might deter you from reading my post anyway (or rather, “It’s not like YOU give a flying fuck!”). I hope you respect my thoughts and words when reading this blog. I hope you do.
Don’t question me, really, because the only reply I will give you is, “Do I know you?” Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
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Don’t we all have problems in our lives? Do you act on it, or give up all together? My head hurts, my stomach hurts and my mind is in a whirl. I thought my life would be happy and smooth from now onwards. I’m trying to convince myself that is the case right now. But it isn’t, it really isn’t. I can’t convince myself… that’s really pathetic.
Questions, questions and more questions. They attack me in the head all over. Even as I type this, they are speaking out to me… “SHH!” I say. Stop it, just stop it! I’ve got no answers for you!!!
SHH.
I know what I am, I’m weak. I’m inadequate. Things don’t seem to go my way no matter how hard I try. I’m stuck in a dilemma that whatever choice I make, no one is going to escape unscathed. Some people, some beings, they thrive on pain, hurt, depression. Yes, they do. They gain strength from such emotions. They feel stronger, revitalised. No, no, I used to think I was like that, now I doubt myself. It’s hard…
Am I a bad person?
Am I a bad friend?
Am I a mean bitch?
Do you understand how I feel?
Do you know what I feel?
Do you want to understand how I feel?
Have I done something gravely wrong?
What have I done to deserve this?
Why do I think I’m a good person?
I don’t think I’ve done a lot of good.
Am I really too concerned?
Maybe it’s just in my nature to be like that.
But concern and worry. They’re scary.
I never knew till now how much they can consume you; turn you into something you’re not. Being caring… is it all that good???
I should be studying right now, I need to be doing my work right now, I need to be positive right now. But something in me is pulling me away from these important things. SHH! I need to block out all the negativity, I need to be a peace with myself but I can’t, I can’t!
Why do I have to deal with so much shit in my life right now? Is someone out there out to get me? Is someone feeling happy that I am in this state? Do you enjoy reading this? Poor Nicolas, in his SAD miserable state… he doesn’t want pity, he doesn’t want sympathy, and he doesn’t need it. He doesn’t need a lot of things. He just wants things, he craves for it… but he doesn’t know how to gain what he wants…SHH!
This is getting to me; I can feel it building up inside me, all the emotion, all the pain…. All the hidden tears and fears… I’m gonna let it out right now, yes yes, I will.
Isn’t it exciting that I’m in a wreck? That I’m being torn and taken apart bit by bit… Hell no, I'm being torn apart chunk by chunk, hell yeah it is like that. Well, let me just shout out one big fat-ass “Fuck!”
Yes, it’s pouring out now.
Fuck this shit that is happening to me.
Fuck everyone. Fuck you.
Fuckin’ hell.
Fuck this awfulness.
Fuck this illness.
Fuck this evil.
Fuck my screwed up self.
Fuck.
Fuck, yeah.
Fuck-fuckity-fuck fuck fuck fuck all of this.
Shh!!!
Fuck ME.
I deserve everything I that I am burdened with. I deserve to be sad. I deserve it. Yes, I do.
I’m thinking of how to make myself a nice desert.
I think I have quite a large stock of panadol I can use!
SHH!
Where’s the panadol!
SHH!
Pass the hard liquor! (I can always steal some from my brother.)
SHH!
I need some chocolate.
What a mighty fine concoction!
Let’s toast with our Panadol fondues and go to bed!
Never to wake again from this nightmare, for I will be dreaming of the beautiful things I never had.
Shush now child, don’t cry…
Hail Mary.
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You have me suicidal
Did everyone have a wonderful Easter weekend?
If you’ve been reading my previous posts, I shall assume you’d know that I’ve been feeling suicidal. For the record, I almost got hit by car and a motorcyclist 2 days in a row. And the scariest thing is that I actually feel proud of it.
Yeah so I spent a part of my weekend thinking how I should write my suicide notes and who I should address them to. I did plan out what I’d write to everyone you know. Family, friends, media… you know the like. But I think getting knocked down by a vehicle is simply too painful. I mean, you’d probably be writhing away after getting hit and death is slow and painful… unless it’s like a death-on-impact kind of crash, ya? Still, I’d probably end up disfigured and that wouldn’t look nice when you peer at me.
No no, I think pills are the way to go. How thrilling…
Alright but I’m glad to say that I don’t feel suicidal any longer… at least I think I don’t.
I'm a conflicted soul. (:
Moving on, I was thinking today about where you guys think is the best place to think about stuff in your life, school, social life, family et al. I figured the best place I could really think was when I was taking a bath. Yep, just letting the cold water run on your face and closing your eyes to think while taking controlled breaths. I feel it’s very therapeutic. How about you? Where do you think is the best place to think?
I just realised I typed so many “thinks” in that paragraph.
Well, so P.E. today was exhilarating. I should like blog about P.E. more often. (That could be my new passion!) We did like wheelbarrows and piggybacking. My classmates were like scrambling to carry me because I’m like, light. That was funny. Oh yeah, there was some serious bitching taking place too, and it involved guys!!!
Yeah, I realised that I should proclaim my love for P.E. teachers right here and right now. I mean, no matter how much you dislike them, they ain’t gonna disappear when you snap your fingers. (Unless I do something about it, muahaha.) So my dear P.E. teachers, here’s some loving from me and I hope you reciprocate it huh? =)
I got home today and realised that my mum bought like 2 big packs of Oreo. When I saw the packs, I laughed because it reminded me of what my classmate said today. It’s a class joke so it’s okay if you don’t get it!
Hail Mary.
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< 我爱妈妈>
I visited Ben’s blog and realised that he tagged me to do this. As always I’ll do away with the passing on of tags. Here goes:
List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
1) I’m short and thin. Current weight: 48kg/Height: 165m
2) I take 45 minutes to get ready and leave the house for school everyday.
3) I’m rather “cheena” actually, though I don’t look like it.
4) I don’t play online games.
5) My favourite word of the moment is “bitch”.
6) My blonde idol of the moment is Miss South Carolina. (Youtube her.)
7) I support Hillary. Go Hilly!
School has been going better than I thought it would for the first week of term 2. Yes, the workload is definitely going to increase and we all need to be prepared in more ways than one.
English fair skit presentation went well. It was hard to ask the class to portray what I had in mind because the skit had complex scenes that needed to be very well-rehearsed and refined but time did not permit. I would like to thank 20/08 though, for putting in the effort and cooperating with me during skit rehearsals and all. I know I was like overbearing at times but I just wanted us to put up something decent, ya? Great job everyone. It’s over, I can breathe better now.
I sure was glad I wasn’t an emotional wreck yesterday after my dear mother decided to throw a tantrum at me in the morning. Thanks mother, you ruined my entire day. But yeah, I’m used to this sort of shit, it has happened numerous times before and I’m immune to it already. It was kinda bad actually. As I was walking to the bus stop, I just crossed at the zebra crossing without bothering to stop and check if there were any oncoming cars. My mind had thoughts like, “Whatever, if I’m meant to get hit and die on a zebra crossing, then I’d probably will.”
And yeah, there was a car, but it stopped, thankfully. I won’t give up so easily anyways.
Now the funny thing is, many of my classmates kept sending me < 我爱妈妈> chain messages. Well family ties are still important to me of course, but I think I’ll still be waging a cold war with her for the next few days. I shall numb the effect by doing stuff like homework or something.
*sigh* I feel sick and sad today… maybe I just need more rest.
My whole body is aching from P.E. yesterday. P.E. was really harsh yesterday, and even the girls had to do it with us, I felt sorry for them. I just did whatever the teacher told us to do, I mean, if I think it’s tough now, I’d probably die in army. So I shan’t complain too much. P.E. lessons in VS should and will be treasured by all Victorians. Seriously, if you thought P.E. in VS is tough, I can tell you that you ain’t seen and experienced NOTHING.
I shouldn't be feeling like this today, after all it's Good Friday...
Hail Mary.
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Japan Goodies + Pictures!
Today was declared a half-day at TJC! We were given a half-day because of our seniors we did well at A-levels! Thanks seniors and our dear principal!
Yeah so after school, we had English fair skit rehearsal, I must say it went fairly well, got some stage directions done. The class did their best to cooperate even though they were all tired… sorry if I was a little bossy! =X Anyways, I got really PMS-y after our rehearsals ended… came home to rest and now I’m taking some time off to blog. I’m feeling better ‘cos I’ve got J-pop therapy, I’ll elaborate later!
Right… so I’ll upload some pictures from my camera that were taken eons ago.
Here goes:
Brace-face gang!
SMILE!
Class guys!
This was taken before we took our O level results... Ahh.
I'm carrying my friend's bag and she's carrying mine!
I didn't pose in this picture... this was taken when I wasn't looking.
Gosh, I'm such a man-whore. 
Don't know why he asked to take a picture with me that day... Hmm.
Wishing him all the best in VJ!
PAE CG 20/08!
Class picture with our bio teacher!
20 poses all around!
Thanks to Kristy for some of the pictures! (:
Now for something absolutely exciting...
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BoA's THE FACE IS MINE!!!
I still heart BoA!
Listened to the album already, ain't too bad.
Stupid Avex did a better job with the packaging this time...
The cover art on the discs are much nicer than her previous album!
Namie Amuro's 60s 70s 80s!
My first and only japanese single!
Got it cause I think the songs are awesome!
The videos are amazing too!
Hot off the shelves of Japan!
Don't the discs look so much better without those Warner Singapore and PG stickers?
Giant Namie Poster that came with the single!
Woohoo!
I would like to thank my older brother for buying the CDs for me when he went to Japan!
Darn, I should have asked him to buy Koda Kumi's Kingdom album as well, since I'm not forking out a cent... I didn't pay for thse ya know? =)
Now I shall go on and listen to the CDs, watch the videos and start doing homework again!
No more pile up of homework for now!
I feel relieved!
What a feeling! :D
Hail Mary.
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Hello Term 2!
The March holidays have flown by and I hope everyone has caught up with their work. Term 2 will definitely be crazy, but at the same time very exciting.
A sinking feeling in my heart tells me I’ll be very emotional during term 2, I don’t know why. Let’s hope I don’t go over board.
Here’s wishing y’all all the best in the coming weeks! =)
Hail Mary.
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Bimbo vs Lian
So yesterday I was in school for lectures and I’m actually quite proud of myself for going to school for make-up lectures even though I could stay at home to sleep.
It’s all Economics, see?
There was this girl who came in almost 40 minutes late and strutted into the lecture theatre like it was her palace, slamming the door with a loud bang and simply shrugging off the commotion she had just caused.
The lecturer asked her why she was late and she stunned there for almost 30 seconds. I don’t know... maybe she was digging into her princess brain for some answer that would save her princess-y ass.
With a sour look on her face, she replied, “Overslept.”
Right.
Ironically, Princess AP (Attitude Problem) was attending a lecture on… AP (Arithmetic Progression). Shockingness.
During break, Little Miss AP came to the row in front of mine and started talking with some of her friends about something; I didn’t really bother to find out. Anyways, I whispered to my friend beside me,
Me: Eh, this girl is damn bimbo lah!
My friend: Please, this girl is not bimbo, she is lian. Bimbos actually have looks okay.
Well, I learnt something new today, didn’t I?
Maybe I’ve been using these 2 terms too loosely.
Now I know better.
Hail Mary.
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Amendments
I’ve been feeling petrified. This sinking feeling is haunting me. Like I owe it something, like it’s coming to claim its debt.
Ever since my appeal to TJC was came through. I need to put my nose to the grindstone even more. It just doesn’t feel right when I just laze around and read the entire day. Reading though, is something I enjoy tremendously.
The past week has been shitty.
I had wanted to do many things. There was cheerleading tryouts, interclass Captain’s ball competition and much more things that I wanted to sign up for. But I couldn’t do so. That’s because I’ve been having drama rehearsals which are mentally exhausting.
It’s difficult to channel someone else who isn’t like you, at all. It’s like a state of trace, meditation and focus. You push yourself to a limit but feel short-changed and disappointed when you don’t meet your expectations.
So I had rehearsals for almost 3 hours on Friday and when I came home, I had to deal with my dear mother throwing a major tantrum and basically filling the entire block with her screams and endless tirade.
A part of it was directed at me… let’s not go into details. So even though she had already given me a dressing down and I had obliged to whatever she had wanted me to do, she still opened my room door when I was about to turn in and started screaming at me.
She shouted, I shouted.
I was pissed.
She was pissed.
Everyone was pissed.
I muttered “bitch” under my breath after she left. I know, that’s really rude of me but you know, you have to let it all out when you’re angry. I really tried to be forgiving that night…
My pillow was stained with tears after that.
Somehow, something inside me just said, “Nicolas, you’re just a fucking inadequate fool.”
So, I went to church today and dropped off a slip of paper in the box. The slip of paper is was for people to write down what burdens, or crosses they were carrying on their backs. After filling it in, we would place it in a box so that everyone will pray for each other.
I wrote,
”The personal cross that I am carrying is… strained relationships with friends and family.”
The two things that is closest to anyone’s hearts.
I felt that… I needed to make amends. Stat.
After all,
I can choose to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure.
It’s all a question of how I view my life.
Let's bow our heads and get lost in reverie...
Hail Mary.
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Nicky bitchy
I feel relieved. Finally, the two lecture tests I dreaded are finally over. I had Chemistry and Biology lecture tests yesterday and today so I think my brain is kinda friend fried already. (See what I mean?!) I need more brain juice to regenerate my worn-out brain.
I’ve been doing a little self-reflection and I think I’ve been bitching too much recently. But I think bitching really does help in striking up conversations, it’s fun to talk about something and we’d all laugh about it together. I feel mean.
So I shall continue to watch myself and my mouth closely from now on. I don’t want Kar-Mama to rear her ugly head and bite me in the ass anytime soon. I simply can’t afford it.
Point to note:
I don’t exactly have a fine ass to begin with. It’s all skin and bones at my behind. So Kar-Mama, please leave my butt alone okay? (:
Hail Mary.