_____________________
Motivation
Read through Rayson’s blog and he reminded me about some quotes I’ve seen recently…
When you wake up in the morning, you have 2 options:
1) Go back to sleep and continue to dream.
OR
2) Wake up and chase those dreams.
- Written on the class board by Matthias Wang, Assistant Monitor.
A quote from my notebook:
“I can’t seem to find the good in goodbye.”
This quote inspired Rayson to write another quote in Chinese for Voices of Victoria and that is:
再见是再见还是再见?
So much for being reflective and emo over Victoria, and I don’t think that’s bad isn’t it?
Good luck for Prelim 2 everyone! (:
Hail Mary.
_____________________
Severely Sickening
Tomorrow is the start of horror week I would say. It’s hardcore papers for the next four days and I’m seriously going crazy revising all my notes.
Woke up at 12 today, goodness know why. I slept at 11.30 p.m. the previous night and I don’t think that's very late isn’t it?
My right eye was itching away and I kept having the urge to rub it but I know I can’t or I will aggravate it. But it’s a nagging itch that wouldn’t go away and it sucks. On top of that, I’m sneezing away and my face is feeling all warm and uncomfortable.
How hard is it to study when your body doesn’t want to comply with you? Why do I have to face such crap during one of the most important exams of my life?
Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why???????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I CAN’T DO BADLY FOR SS, I JUST CAN’T. I BARELY MADE IT THROUGH FOR PRELIM ONE AND I NEED MY A1 FOR HUMANITIES. I HAVE TO DO WELL. I HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!!
Not to mention something bad happened over the weekend and it’s kinda affecting me. Thoughts of death keep flooding in my mind and I keep trying to shake it off. Help.
I can’t let external stuff affect me nor can I let myself get in the way. If I have to gouge my eyeball out or drug myself with flu medicine and continue studying… I swear I will do it for the sake of myself, my results with what little strength I have now.
Will I heave a sigh of relief when I leave the examination hall?
The subsequent exams beckon.
Hail Mary.
_____________________
Oral/Aural/Mental Discussion
The giant tree in the background is like VS, where the lights are the student population who decorates her and determines how beautiful she is. That, I think, is the job of us Secondary 4s who will contribute to decorating her with our ‘O’ level results.
Ask yourself, how brightly do you want VS to shine?
The night winds blow strongly against the lights hanging down from the tree. Will you be strong enough to withstand the external conditions around you? Will you continue hanging on for dear life to the tree or fall down into oblivion below? That of course, depends on you own will to WANT to hold on and not because you HAVE to hold on to the branch of the tree.
There is a lamp in the middle of the picture. The lamp represents someone like me who stands alone amongst the crowd. The tree behind me is adorned with the lights of others who are shining brightly.
I may not be able to beautify the area like the decorative lights on the tree, but my light craves to shine more brightly than others. My body is dark, thin and tall (ok, I know I’m not tall at all), if you aren’t careful you might just walk into me. I may seem insignificant, and little pets choose to pee and defecate on me. I may stick out like a sore thumb among the rest but that is because I want to prove myself. Prove how brightly my light can shine.
Because when darkness engulfs you, you scramble for any means to have a light in your palm, because the sight of light is a comforting hand that caresses your face.
I want to be the lamp that shines through the darkness, to be able to hold my own against the rest, to be able to stand tall and proudly shine my light to illuminate the path in front of me. I want to walk the path that I have set my mind to.
The juxtaposition of the lamp and the tree, together with the night sky as a backdrop, creates a picture that is both beautiful and endearing. The purpose of this picture is probably to highlight that fact that all of us want to be an individual who stands out from the rest, but somehow, it requires courage and maybe even validation. We fear the judging of other people and when we succeed we feel compelled to stay in tip-top shape.
I suppose it also calls out to me as an insight to my future. Though I’m rather sceptical about everything, hopefully, something good will come out of it.
------------------------------------------------
After being appointed as a Peer Leader, I would want others to share their problems with me, to be able to give them sound advice and probably brighten up their day. But what if you can’t solve your own problems, you can’t heed your own advice, are you practising what you preach?
If someone discusses a personal problem with you, you feel coerced to keep it to yourself. Others know that the person is having issues, and question you about it. Do you tell them about the other guy’s problems? Is it morally correct to do so? I want to tell others about his problems, I really do, but what if I hurt him in the process? He has confided his issues in me, but I can’t seem to help him in any way, is that bad?
Somehow, his burden has become mine. But it’s even worse when I have my own problems that I have to deal with. Seriously, is being caring a help or more of a hindrance…?
Sometimes I just go:
“Why do I have to deal or listen to the problems of others when I can’t even handle those of my own? Do I look like I need more crap in my life?
It’s like rant, rant, wham, bam, thank you ma’am. It’s like my ears are fucked by your words and incessant ranting. Thanks a lot, now I have to carry even more on my already sore shoulders. =)”
I’m feeling damn annoyed and pissed at some people and I can’t stand the sight of them. But I can’t let them know how I’m feeling because I don’t wanna sour our relationship, I guess I’m just paranoid or going crazy under all the stress or whatever.
I’ve been dreaming of bursting out in tears over something and yet I don’t know what it is. It kills me to try and find out what I should do.
------------------------------------------------
Lalalalalala, topic jump again.
Anyone heard of head-banging therapy?
I had a splitting headache 2 days ago, the fucking Panadol didn’t work and so I was desperate to ease the pain or distract myself from it. So I just started smacking my head on my desk and pounding my forehead with my fists.
Didn’t seem to hurt, so why not?
Boy, was it fun! =)
Oh yeah, I asked Vincent to slap me and I actually burst out laughing. Heehee.
And Matthias helped me to continue the head banging momentum.
Thanks for comforting me, I guess.
I should so do it more often, hey guys, feel free to smack me in the face when my head feels like popping! Wheee.
Of course remember to ask me nicely and say “Please?”
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
Going on a sabbatical after this post so yeah, I need to find myself again. Some of you may probably hate me or think I'm going nuts but don't worry, I'd feel better if I don't talk about it.
So yeah,
BLOGGING HIATUS!
Probably till after Prelim exams.
Wish me luck for oral exams tomorrow!
Tata! Muacks!
Hail Mary.
_____________________
That Extra...
How many times were you more orderly in class when a teacher was soft-spoken and gentle?
So is the ability to strike fear a better leadership quality?
“To be a leader of men, whether you are a class monitor, a football team captain or a platoon leader, you got to have that extra energy, that extra drive, that extra presence.”
-MM Lee
I was reading the newspaper when I came across this discussion article; it gave me something to think about the current leadership in VS and how much I, as a leader, have done and also to reflect on all my actions.
When I read the words "class monitor", it certainly struck a chord in me. My fellow schoolmates, do not take you class monitors for granted because we play just as important a part in the running of the class.
It ain't an easy feat.
Monitors or any student leader for that matter, I hope you're heeding this piece of advice because every single one of you has the potential.
Oh yes, one more thing that I haven’t done is to congratulate all Sec 4 students who received their ‘O’ Level Chinese results on Monday.
Whether the results you received was expected or not, I’m sure most of you did your best.
You’ve had your first taste of this sucker of a major exam and I’m sure you’ll be able to finish tackling it.
Once again, Congrats and kudos to all, keep up your drive --- you’ll need it.
Hail Mary.
_____________________
No Love Jam
Been waking up these few days feeling all down and unsure of myself. I have this sinking feeling that I won’t score well for my Prelim 2 and it terrifies me.
I had tuition today for maths and I went through a paper with my tutor. Didn’t score very well, even though it was an E maths paper 1. Damn it, I abhor my careless self; somehow I can’t seem to shake off this completely unnecessary habit!
Spent the entire day in school yesterday doing revision, it was really mentally exhausting. Got home completely spent, I couldn’t even eat properly without my eyelids drooping…
Had a really bad mood swing yesterday, I was feeling all energetic when I reached school but I left it feeling all bitchy and pissed at certain people. I’ve been asking myself, what’s wrong with me? It’s not right to hate them, then again, they wouldn’t know even if I dislike them…
Anyways, I wanna thank Vincent and Wei Jie for listening to all my crap and bitch-talk. Vincent, now you know how I really feel about some people and also for sharing my sentiments about some of them. Thanks for being there when I needed to let free all my unhappiness.
As I was saying at the start of this post, I liken my mornings to having breakfast of a plate of crummy toast, spread with Unhappy Jam. Every bite I take, every mouthful I swallow down fills my empty body with unhappiness. Better than feeling all empty inside, because hate IS an emotion.
I’m thinking of going to school from next week onwards being an emotionless, expressionless person. I wanna tell my friends around me to leave me alone, let me drown in my own misery; maybe its best if we do not interact, then we can each do ourselves some good. I say, “Give me a knife; let me slice through my social circle! Break the thread that strings these beads of friendship together!”
As the beads fall on the ground with a pitter-patter, some remain strong and rebound off the ground to safety; others shatter into a million pieces. I compensate and console myself with a tear. “A tear for a bead, a tear for a bead,” I lament. I repeat the words over and over and over again…
I scurry and try to catch these beads with my hands, but they slip through the cracks of my feeble fingers. I collapse on the ground, ignorant to each shard of the broken beads piercing through my skin.
Many people think that the opposite of Love is Hate, but no,
The opposite of Love is Indifference.
Because if you hate someone, hate someone’s guts through and through, it still shows that you CARE.
Will my emotions come to this state? I don’t know.
Will I start to feel like I used to ever again? I don’t know.
Will the jam on my toast be filled with love and concern? I don’t know.
Someone pass me a jar of Love Jam please,
I think I lost mine. =(
Hail Mary.
_____________________
World Smiley Day
Personalized smiley wallet design done by Rayson!
Close-up view.
Thanks to Wei Jie for taking the photos!
Let’s commemorate World Smiley Day today by drawing a nice happy smiley on someone else to show your care and concern, boding the person a day of happiness.
I’m sure everyone has a smiley that represents him. What with the individualistic style and curvature of the smiley could mean so little to others but yet so much to oneself.
I hope everyone will continue to do so because I think its meaningful, special and very close to the heart.
So go ahead and start doodling!
Of course, it's all in the spirit of fun! (:
Hail Mary.
_____________________
Maybe.
Ever since the board was put up in school counting down the days to Prelim 2 and O levels, it has sparked frenzy among the Sec 4s, well, most of the Sec 4s who actually do give a damn about their impending exams. I’ve always felt that our cohort was a capable one, a cohort that could hold our own against the rest and excel even better. But no, when the results for Prelim 1 was released it, it dug deep into my mind that we are in trouble.
A hell lot of trouble.
For now, the results have been split into 3 parts:
Those that scored below 20 points.
Those that scored between 20 - 29 points.
Those that scored above 30 points.
I must admit that I didn’t do very well either as I’m in the middle range.
No, I did terribly. I know that.
Unfortunately many Victorians don’t.
Maybe it is guilt or the fear of losing out to the “muggers”, but I joined the programme for the past 4 days, reaching home at unearthly times and forsaking my usual regime. I feel that the NSP is only productive for some people. After all, you can’t cater to everyone’s needs. Sitting in the canteen and actually doing my work was fine for a few days. There was a constant buzzing in the air (from the alarmingly high traffic of insects), clicking of pens, slurping of drinks, the chatter and the likes.
The cacophony of sounds creates a lively atmosphere in school. I mean, in how many schools do you actually see nearly a hundred students studying (?) in the canteen. Yes, I felt guilty when I went home early on Monday, the atmosphere made me want to study in school. Looking at the faces of some of the “Big 4” made guilt flood into me.
Maybe that’s the objective of this programme.
Then again, I seem to do even less in the programme. Productive? Not for me. Maybe I should stay away from the canteen, find a peaceful place to revise and not get bummed by certain people who reek of annoyance.
The gravity of something big like this doesn’t matter much to their pariah lives; can I even describe your existence as a LIFE? Please, I’m complimenting you.
You are probably the reason why Mr Low implemented the Night Study Programme (NSP). You are probably the reason why Mr Low walks into every class and hands out the report cards one by one. You are probably the reason why he has to give us talks, speaking emotionally and telling us that we are in the top 15% of Singapore's Sec 4 cohort. Shoving such facts down your throat probably makes you feel all proud and elated at the fact that you can actually pass without studying? YOU’RE PROBABLY JUST A FLUKE THAT MANAGED TO SQUEEZE YOUR WAY INTO SCHOOL. YOU PROBABLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHETHER WE WILL STAY IN BAND ONE!
Am I right? Am I? The sight of you makes me wanna puke. When Mr Maran asked for suggestions to make a school a better place, I had half the mind to tell him that we need to expel some idiots that don't belong because they freaking DON’T DESERVE TO BE HERE. Heck, cock a rifle for me so I can blast their heads off. Alternatively, I can just wrangle their necks and snap them into half. How about that? Woohoo, watch Nicolas turn into a deranged son of a bitch and who starts murdering every single soul (read: problem) he sees. Yes, yes, that'd be interesting. =))
I need a solution pronto, because I tend to sleep when I get home and the weariness eats into me and amasses into a migraine when I stay in school. From next week onwards, I’m packing Panadols to school. Lots of them. Maybe drugging myself will amount to something.
Why am I doing this? I ask myself too. I’m chaining myself to a huge boulder and torturing myself. Just sitting around and speaking to other student leaders in school, seeing them studying and hearing about all their studying, sadly, MAKES ME SICK. Yes, I take the so-called competition very seriously. Call me naïve or whatever....
Maybe its motivation for me to hit the books,
maybe they’re spiting me,
Maybe they feel that they are of a higher order than me.
Maybe I’m over-sensitive,
maybe I’m intimidated,
and maybe I’m just jealous.
This hate seems to be curling in the pit of my stomach and spreading to the rest of my body like a malignant form of cancer. Whatever the case, no offence, oh heck, I’ll offend you all I want, but I feel that I can do just as well or even better than them, I used to be at my peak but somehow this peak has crumbled and I’m like a flag at half-mast. The feeling sucks. And I have such evil thoughts about other people. I don’t care how nice you were to me before, how much help you have given to me...
An ultimatum has been thrown at me and I will fulfil it, no matter what it takes. I can whine all I want about it, but I WILL make it happen.
This saying keeps looping around my head “Keep your friends close, keep your enemies even close.” I go about thinking about my friendships, are my feelings of friendship just superficial? Will I throw away my friendships because of hatred in the present but forget about the happier times in the past? Do the things that happen now overwrite what happened in the past?
I want to lock away everything and focus on my studies. I want to go to school, sit down and just listen attentively in class, don’t even speak a word. Turn my back on everything and concentrate on my studies. No social circle, no life-before-exams regime. I want to, I really do, but I can’t bring myself not to wear a smile on my face, even if I do wear a smile on my face, is it really my mine? Maybe I’m just trying to be happy for others?
Maybe the people I try to score better against aren’t those “muggers” but actually those whom I know well, those who are around me. I know you are judging me, judging me from inside, grudges can be held against me but do you not think that I too? I won’t fall behind. I won’t let you gloat that you did better than me. I know how you guys felt when I scored well. I know that the deterioration of my grades unravelled a thread of glee in you.
“Haha, I beat Nicolas. He’s so fake and tries to be this all righteous person who seems nice on the outside but can’t do well in his studies. Why do I even bother knowing him?”
Laugh all you want. When I do better than you, don’t mistake my laughs and congratulations because I may not be laughing with you, but at you.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. =)=)=)
It’s so thrilling, I can just taste it.
Don’t you just hate the sight of me?
Hopefully my unstable self won’t snap anytime soon.
Because when that happens, I won’t be talking to any of you anytime soon.
And don’t you question me why.
Hail Mary.
_____________________
“If you’re happy and you know it, SHOW IT!”
Awfully bored during lessons, Nicolas whips out his magic PINKIE PEN and starts to doodle on his arm like a hyperactive 5-year-old.
He draws a smiley on his arm and then asks his friend to take a picture of him.
Now Nicolas feels excited and wants to exact the same mark on his fellow classmates. With a sharp, shrill (devious) shriek, he scans his surroundings and hunts down his first prey. 
And another.
Guess you always find ways to entertain yourself, no matter how bad your day is.
Anyways the purpose of this post is to let everyone know that they have to keep their spirits up.
After all, the prelims are only 20 days away, and everyone’s so stressed I think they’d start having wrinkles because of the vexed look on their faces.
It’s excruciating.
But I guess, no pain no gain.
So mug your asses off, people.
And don’t forget to exfoliate and moisturize you mug. =)
Stay strong and live it up, because we only have this one chance.
Hail Mary.