Monday, March 31, 2008


Questions...

I’ve been running words in my head on how to make this post unemotional without using any expletives but I realised I can’t really express myself through proper words right now. So I shall let you know that the following paragraphs will contain hard words. Not that that might deter you from reading my post anyway (or rather, “It’s not like YOU give a flying fuck!”). I hope you respect my thoughts and words when reading this blog. I hope you do.


Don’t question me, really, because the only reply I will give you is, “Do I know you?” Don’t say I didn’t warn you.







Don’t we all have problems in our lives? Do you act on it, or give up all together? My head hurts, my stomach hurts and my mind is in a whirl. I thought my life would be happy and smooth from now onwards. I’m trying to convince myself that is the case right now. But it isn’t, it really isn’t. I can’t convince myself… that’s really pathetic.

Questions, questions and more questions. They attack me in the head all over. Even as I type this, they are speaking out to me… “SHH!” I say. Stop it, just stop it! I’ve got no answers for you!!!


SHH.

I know what I am, I’m weak. I’m inadequate. Things don’t seem to go my way no matter how hard I try. I’m stuck in a dilemma that whatever choice I make, no one is going to escape unscathed. Some people, some beings, they thrive on pain, hurt, depression. Yes, they do. They gain strength from such emotions. They feel stronger, revitalised. No, no, I used to think I was like that, now I doubt myself. It’s hard…

Am I a bad person?

Am I a bad friend?
Am I a mean bitch?
Do you understand how I feel?
Do you know what I feel?

Do you want to understand how I feel?
Have I done something gravely wrong?
What have I done to deserve this?


Why do I think I’m a good person?

I don’t think I’ve done a lot of good.

Am I really too concerned?
Maybe it’s just in my nature to be like that.

But concern and worry. They’re scary.
I never knew till now how much they can consume you; turn you into something you’re not. Being caring… is it all that good???

I should be studying right now, I need to be doing my work right now, I need to be positive right now. But something in me is pulling me away from these important things. SHH! I need to block out all the negativity, I need to be a peace with myself but I can’t, I can’t!

Why do I have to deal with so much shit in my life right now? Is someone out there out to get me? Is someone feeling happy that I am in this state? Do you enjoy reading this? Poor Nicolas, in his SAD miserable state… he doesn’t want pity, he doesn’t want sympathy, and he doesn’t need it. He doesn’t need a lot of things. He just wants things, he craves for it… but he doesn’t know how to gain what he wants…SHH!


This is getting to me; I can feel it building up inside me, all the emotion, all the pain…. All the hidden tears and fears… I’m gonna let it out right now, yes yes, I will.

Isn’t it exciting that I’m in a wreck? That I’m being torn and taken apart bit by bit… Hell no, I'm being torn apart chunk by chunk, hell yeah it is like that. Well, let me just shout out one big fat-ass “Fuck!”


Yes, it’s pouring out now.

Fuck this shit that is happening to me.

Fuck everyone. Fuck you.
Fuckin’ hell.
Fuck this awfulness.
Fuck this illness.
Fuck this evil.
Fuck my screwed up self.
Fuck.

Fuck, yeah.

Fuck-fuckity-fuck fuck fuck fuck all of this.


Shh!!!


Fuck ME.

I deserve everything I that I am burdened with. I deserve to be sad. I deserve it. Yes, I do.

I’m thinking of how to make myself a nice desert.
I think I have quite a large stock of panadol I can use!


SHH!
Where’s the panadol!


SHH!
Pass the hard liquor! (I can always steal some from my brother.)

SHH!
I need some chocolate.

What a mighty fine concoction!
Let’s toast with our Panadol fondues and go to bed!


Never to wake again from this nightmare, for I will be dreaming of the beautiful things I never had.

Shush now child, don’t cry…


_____________________
Hail Mary.


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Nicolas Yee
21
30 Jan '91
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Victoria School
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