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Amendments
I’ve been feeling petrified. This sinking feeling is haunting me. Like I owe it something, like it’s coming to claim its debt.
Ever since my appeal to TJC was came through. I need to put my nose to the grindstone even more. It just doesn’t feel right when I just laze around and read the entire day. Reading though, is something I enjoy tremendously.
The past week has been shitty.
I had wanted to do many things. There was cheerleading tryouts, interclass Captain’s ball competition and much more things that I wanted to sign up for. But I couldn’t do so. That’s because I’ve been having drama rehearsals which are mentally exhausting.
It’s difficult to channel someone else who isn’t like you, at all. It’s like a state of trace, meditation and focus. You push yourself to a limit but feel short-changed and disappointed when you don’t meet your expectations.
So I had rehearsals for almost 3 hours on Friday and when I came home, I had to deal with my dear mother throwing a major tantrum and basically filling the entire block with her screams and endless tirade.
A part of it was directed at me… let’s not go into details. So even though she had already given me a dressing down and I had obliged to whatever she had wanted me to do, she still opened my room door when I was about to turn in and started screaming at me.
She shouted, I shouted.
I was pissed.
She was pissed.
Everyone was pissed.
I muttered “bitch” under my breath after she left. I know, that’s really rude of me but you know, you have to let it all out when you’re angry. I really tried to be forgiving that night…
My pillow was stained with tears after that.
Somehow, something inside me just said, “Nicolas, you’re just a fucking inadequate fool.”
So, I went to church today and dropped off a slip of paper in the box. The slip of paper is was for people to write down what burdens, or crosses they were carrying on their backs. After filling it in, we would place it in a box so that everyone will pray for each other.
I wrote,
”The personal cross that I am carrying is… strained relationships with friends and family.”
The two things that is closest to anyone’s hearts.
I felt that… I needed to make amends. Stat.
After all,
I can choose to be a victim of the world or an adventurer in search of treasure.
It’s all a question of how I view my life.
Let's bow our heads and get lost in reverie...
Hail Mary.