Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Swing Swing Swing

JAE is a cruel process.
It makes me sick.

Some leapt for joy when they received their posting results; others get posted to a JC of their choice, only to regret later on. It’s written on their faces, though we all know they want to keep it locked away in their hearts.

I can’t admit that I’ve been happy.
I’ve been miserable, oh-so-miserable.

Why, you ask, am I so miserable? Let’s just say it’s an emotional turmoil inside of me. Churning and churning… my head hurts, my eyes sting, my breathing turns into gasps. I whisper feebly in my mind “Help!”

What should I do? What CAN I do?

I was a TJCian, then a Meridian, and finally, a TJCian again.

Did I make the right decision? The joy was there of course, when my appeal was successful. But then I started to question myself, was I blinded by camaraderie and fun? Did I make a hasty decision without considering my options beforehand… only, only time will tell.

These days… my mood has yo-yoed more often than I want it to. I’m happy, sad, glad and mad all at the same time. I’m such a troubled person, aren’t I?

Apart from all these, I enjoyed myself in Drama today. It’s great to put on a façade sometimes… it’s a form of escapism, to me. Rehearsals are tough; I never knew it was so difficult to act crazy. Though I’m sure most of you would agree that I already am crazy… so much for acting… hah.

Oh yes, my drama teacher commented that she liked the way we acted crazy. She said she saw people dancing around wildly (that’d be me) and mentioned openly that she thought that, I quote, “I saw Nicolas dancing as well, which I must say was quite… disturbing, lah.”

Um, I tried?

I think I haven’t been trying enough, this is so hard… I keep thinking and processing information in my head, thinking about troubling stuff. I don’t want my friends to be affected as well.

We need to be conscious of our bodies and our actions all the time. Not only ours, but others as well. We need to be aware, keep our eyes open so we can react appropriately… but it begs the question… What is appropriate?

I can’t possibly go, “Can you please fuck off?”
So much for being polite. I don’t know. I’m so confused right now.

I’m not a body with a soul; I’m a soul with a visible part called a body.

I…

am a walking corpse.

_____________________
Hail Mary.


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Nicolas Yee
21
30 Jan '91
Temasek Junior College
Victoria School
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