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A Letter
I must say I never had a good impression about you when I first saw you in tuition. After hearing a lot of remarks about you, when you stepped into the house for tuition, I didn’t think I could ever communicate or socialise with you. But you were there beside me when I needed help in my work, you taught me how to do my Physics work which I totally sucked at. You had a good sense of humour, you were popular among the guys and you had a way with the girls. My impression of you, gradually, did change. Though we only had a brief time as tuition mates, I do remember your helpful ways.
When I stepped into the AVA room yesterday, the atmosphere was lively, everyone was talking and some were smiling away. I too, was chatting with some teachers about my future decisions in school or work. Mr Low walked in and thanked us for being there. That morning I was told that he wanted to update us about your condition. As I left the house yesterday, my mum told me to be prepared for the worse but I simply shrugged her off. I mean, I didn’t think it was so serious. Mr Low read out a card your mum had given to him. She told us not to worry and then we had our own challenge to face. They had accepted what had happened and assured us that everything was fine.
Mr Low then went on to say that your condition had worsened on Tuesday and your parents had decided to not subject you to anymore operations after a consultation with the doctors. In my mind, I thought that they wanted to let you fight it out on your own, with sheer will and determination. Then P said you had moved on about 1 in the morning… My heart started pounding, my hands trembled and I felt kinda breathless. Silence descended upon the room, some started sobbing and many sniffled. The news was heart wrenching, and everyone could feel it in their hearts and in their minds.
My eyes too, welled up but we had to listen on to what P had to say. He mentioned how much you wanted to obtain that single digit in the O’s for your parents. He mentioned how much you had wanted to be in VS even though you had other opportunities to be in a better school. He mentioned how you were adamant about joining the Concert Band. He mentioned that he held your hand and told you not to worry about all your friends and family, and he hummed the Victorian Anthem to you.
After the announcement, we were all sent to separate rooms for counselling with the teachers. We were told to talk about how we felt, how we were coping with everything that had happened. No one in my group wanted to speak up, I guess they too, could not recollect their thoughts; such breaking news would grip anyone. I raised my hand and just related my thoughts and feelings to everyone. I think they had to know that I was there at the moment in time when you were hit. They had to know that I did feel a little guilty, that I felt that I didn’t do enough.
They had to know that I got into the cab after the impact. I kept thinking whether it was the right thing to do, was it a cowardly action for me to get into the cab? Was it the shock and fear that beckoned me to hop in the cab? Or simply, to not annoy the cab driver we had flagged down and just leaved him there?
In the cab I was cursing away and I just didn’t know what to do. I guess everyone would be feeling shocked and scared or whatever. But I felt empty… was I supposed to feel that way?
These were some things that I penned down on the piece of paper the teachers told us to pen our thoughts down on. I decided to hand my paper to the teacher, I think I had to move on and not hold on to something that could evoke more feelings about you in me.
After the little session, Mr Low continued to tell us about your wake and your parent’s decision to send you off in the school blazer because you are after all, one of Victoria’s sons, a part of our family. And it was only right that you be sent off in formal Victorian attire that I think was close to your heart because it was something special, something more, to don that blazer.
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Yesterday night, as the bus left for your wake. The bus was relatively quiet; a solemn look was on everyone’s faces. I sat beside Rayson, who just stared blankly into space. He was inconsolable this morning when he heard the news and I think he was just preparing himself for what was happening next.
When we were there, we told to go up to pay our respects in groups of 4. I accompanied Rayson because I think he needed our care and support. Looking at you there and then was painful and harsh and tears flowed. But we had to take comfort in the fact that you weren’t suffering anymore, that you were in a better place. You looked peaceful and serene in your slumber.
Death is definitely not the worse thing that can happen to a person. Even though it’s hard to accept that you’re in heaven, we have to move on. We cried our grievances out, we were in your presence and we felt your bond with everyone. Because through letting it all out, I think many of us are able to find comfort in that. Even your parents didn’t want any of us to breakdown, because we know that that is not something you want to happen to any of us.
We got back to school and we formed a circle. Our arms around one another and we picked out a memory that we wanted to remember you by. A happy moment, a funny moment, anything that you could be best remembered for and we kept it in our hearts. Because no matter how long it has been since you passed we want to keep a memory of you that puts a smile on our faces.
So as I dedicate this post, I will do my best to move on. And everyone else too, to cope with everything that has happen. Sure, the grief will be there, but we have to take it by the horns and wrestle it down. Put away all our sorrows. Even though every time I walk by that pedestrian crossing, I’d think of that fateful night, but I think you were happy that day because you had gone through 4 years of your life in VS, and you had graduated as a new person altogether.
The Sec 4s will do our best for the upcoming O’s for you and we dedicate our single digits and results to you because that was your greatest wish.
Wherever you may be now, we wish you an everlasting peace, and may the Victorian Spirit be with you.
God Bless You.
Nil Sine Labore.
Hail Mary.