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Drama Trauma
I’m starting to be less disturbed by the incident, I think. But I do get paranoid sometimes and lots of things get into my head. Sometimes everything just leads back to that fateful day.
I was at Chinese tuition yesterday and my tutor cited an example of a car accident. Flash back again. Matthias smsed me to ask who was involved in the accident and I read his stupid message of all times and it reminded me again. Promptly deleted his message and refused to reply him. Sorry if I’m a bitch and all. I just don’t wanna talk about it.
I got home and my mum showed me the article of the accident in the Home section of The Straits Times. Go have a look if you haven’t already…
I didn’t want to read it but I needed to see if there were any new details. Well, mostly its things that I already knew; the only part that I overlooked was that he had bent down to pick up something but I can’t remember what. Then I saw the telephone number appealing for witnesses to come forward… it did call out to me but I didn’t want to be involved anymore so I guess I just left it at that.
Felt really lethargic and very annoyed by my tutor during tuition so I couldn’t concentrate much. Furthermore, it’s Physics exercises and it’s just so tiresome. Went online after that and chatted with JX to distract myself from letting my thoughts run wild. Told him to read my post to let him know what happened and I just started droning on about my thoughts.
Why did it have to be him? If it was someone didn’t know, I’d probably not be so “drama trauma” about it. Should it have been me instead? Touch wood I know, it’s the paranoia I think. Just imagined myself in his shoes and all…
I don’t know why but I watched a little of The Devil Wears Prada last night and I overlooked that there was a car crash scene in it and it just so happened that I forwarded the movie to that part. Coincidence? Or just one of Life’s dirty pranks being played on me?
Resumed my studying for Biology and I was dozing off a little while studying. Well what happened next is just bewilders me because I didn’t even come in contact with any blood. There was this flash of me staring down at both my hands, covered in blood and I tried to wash it off or something but the sight was still there even though nothing was on my hands… Oh my goodness. I’m seriously going nuts.
And I dread my smses now because I’m afraid I’ll receive some bad news or someone wants to ask about the incident. My handphone’s a terror now.
There’s stupid construction going on around my home and once in a while there are these loud bangs and thuds all around me.
DAMMIT CAN’T I HAVE SOME PEACE HERE??? I DON’T NEED TO HEAR MORE FUCKING THUDS OR LOUD NOISES LIKE GO AWAY I NEED TO BE ALONE I HAVE TO STUDY COS O LEVELS IS IN A WEEK. AHHH. =(
I’m trying to vent it all out so pardon my deranged and crazy writing. I need to vent vent, vent, vent, vent. Letting it all out I am!
I need to go hit the books again and not let this manifests into something that consumes me. Believe me I’m starting to think that I actually want people to sympathise and pity me and make me feel oh-so-much better because I witnessed something terrible and all I need is some TLC.
Maybe that’s what happening to me but I’m confused and lost and feeling weird and scrunched up inside so yeah, I have to deal with it.
Find hope in the darkness and find the inner strength to push it all out…
Hail Mary.