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No Love Jam
Been waking up these few days feeling all down and unsure of myself. I have this sinking feeling that I won’t score well for my Prelim 2 and it terrifies me.
I had tuition today for maths and I went through a paper with my tutor. Didn’t score very well, even though it was an E maths paper 1. Damn it, I abhor my careless self; somehow I can’t seem to shake off this completely unnecessary habit!
Spent the entire day in school yesterday doing revision, it was really mentally exhausting. Got home completely spent, I couldn’t even eat properly without my eyelids drooping…
Had a really bad mood swing yesterday, I was feeling all energetic when I reached school but I left it feeling all bitchy and pissed at certain people. I’ve been asking myself, what’s wrong with me? It’s not right to hate them, then again, they wouldn’t know even if I dislike them…
Anyways, I wanna thank Vincent and Wei Jie for listening to all my crap and bitch-talk. Vincent, now you know how I really feel about some people and also for sharing my sentiments about some of them. Thanks for being there when I needed to let free all my unhappiness.
As I was saying at the start of this post, I liken my mornings to having breakfast of a plate of crummy toast, spread with Unhappy Jam. Every bite I take, every mouthful I swallow down fills my empty body with unhappiness. Better than feeling all empty inside, because hate IS an emotion.
I’m thinking of going to school from next week onwards being an emotionless, expressionless person. I wanna tell my friends around me to leave me alone, let me drown in my own misery; maybe its best if we do not interact, then we can each do ourselves some good. I say, “Give me a knife; let me slice through my social circle! Break the thread that strings these beads of friendship together!”
As the beads fall on the ground with a pitter-patter, some remain strong and rebound off the ground to safety; others shatter into a million pieces. I compensate and console myself with a tear. “A tear for a bead, a tear for a bead,” I lament. I repeat the words over and over and over again…
I scurry and try to catch these beads with my hands, but they slip through the cracks of my feeble fingers. I collapse on the ground, ignorant to each shard of the broken beads piercing through my skin.
Many people think that the opposite of Love is Hate, but no,
The opposite of Love is Indifference.
Because if you hate someone, hate someone’s guts through and through, it still shows that you CARE.
Will my emotions come to this state? I don’t know.
Will I start to feel like I used to ever again? I don’t know.
Will the jam on my toast be filled with love and concern? I don’t know.
Someone pass me a jar of Love Jam please,
I think I lost mine. =(
Hail Mary.