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Maybe.
Ever since the board was put up in school counting down the days to Prelim 2 and O levels, it has sparked frenzy among the Sec 4s, well, most of the Sec 4s who actually do give a damn about their impending exams. I’ve always felt that our cohort was a capable one, a cohort that could hold our own against the rest and excel even better. But no, when the results for Prelim 1 was released it, it dug deep into my mind that we are in trouble.
A hell lot of trouble.
For now, the results have been split into 3 parts:
Those that scored below 20 points.
Those that scored between 20 - 29 points.
Those that scored above 30 points.
I must admit that I didn’t do very well either as I’m in the middle range.
No, I did terribly. I know that.
Unfortunately many Victorians don’t.
Maybe it is guilt or the fear of losing out to the “muggers”, but I joined the programme for the past 4 days, reaching home at unearthly times and forsaking my usual regime. I feel that the NSP is only productive for some people. After all, you can’t cater to everyone’s needs. Sitting in the canteen and actually doing my work was fine for a few days. There was a constant buzzing in the air (from the alarmingly high traffic of insects), clicking of pens, slurping of drinks, the chatter and the likes.
The cacophony of sounds creates a lively atmosphere in school. I mean, in how many schools do you actually see nearly a hundred students studying (?) in the canteen. Yes, I felt guilty when I went home early on Monday, the atmosphere made me want to study in school. Looking at the faces of some of the “Big 4” made guilt flood into me.
Maybe that’s the objective of this programme.
Then again, I seem to do even less in the programme. Productive? Not for me. Maybe I should stay away from the canteen, find a peaceful place to revise and not get bummed by certain people who reek of annoyance.
The gravity of something big like this doesn’t matter much to their pariah lives; can I even describe your existence as a LIFE? Please, I’m complimenting you.
You are probably the reason why Mr Low implemented the Night Study Programme (NSP). You are probably the reason why Mr Low walks into every class and hands out the report cards one by one. You are probably the reason why he has to give us talks, speaking emotionally and telling us that we are in the top 15% of Singapore's Sec 4 cohort. Shoving such facts down your throat probably makes you feel all proud and elated at the fact that you can actually pass without studying? YOU’RE PROBABLY JUST A FLUKE THAT MANAGED TO SQUEEZE YOUR WAY INTO SCHOOL. YOU PROBABLY DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHETHER WE WILL STAY IN BAND ONE!
Am I right? Am I? The sight of you makes me wanna puke. When Mr Maran asked for suggestions to make a school a better place, I had half the mind to tell him that we need to expel some idiots that don't belong because they freaking DON’T DESERVE TO BE HERE. Heck, cock a rifle for me so I can blast their heads off. Alternatively, I can just wrangle their necks and snap them into half. How about that? Woohoo, watch Nicolas turn into a deranged son of a bitch and who starts murdering every single soul (read: problem) he sees. Yes, yes, that'd be interesting. =))
I need a solution pronto, because I tend to sleep when I get home and the weariness eats into me and amasses into a migraine when I stay in school. From next week onwards, I’m packing Panadols to school. Lots of them. Maybe drugging myself will amount to something.
Why am I doing this? I ask myself too. I’m chaining myself to a huge boulder and torturing myself. Just sitting around and speaking to other student leaders in school, seeing them studying and hearing about all their studying, sadly, MAKES ME SICK. Yes, I take the so-called competition very seriously. Call me naïve or whatever....
Maybe its motivation for me to hit the books,
maybe they’re spiting me,
Maybe they feel that they are of a higher order than me.
Maybe I’m over-sensitive,
maybe I’m intimidated,
and maybe I’m just jealous.
This hate seems to be curling in the pit of my stomach and spreading to the rest of my body like a malignant form of cancer. Whatever the case, no offence, oh heck, I’ll offend you all I want, but I feel that I can do just as well or even better than them, I used to be at my peak but somehow this peak has crumbled and I’m like a flag at half-mast. The feeling sucks. And I have such evil thoughts about other people. I don’t care how nice you were to me before, how much help you have given to me...
An ultimatum has been thrown at me and I will fulfil it, no matter what it takes. I can whine all I want about it, but I WILL make it happen.
This saying keeps looping around my head “Keep your friends close, keep your enemies even close.” I go about thinking about my friendships, are my feelings of friendship just superficial? Will I throw away my friendships because of hatred in the present but forget about the happier times in the past? Do the things that happen now overwrite what happened in the past?
I want to lock away everything and focus on my studies. I want to go to school, sit down and just listen attentively in class, don’t even speak a word. Turn my back on everything and concentrate on my studies. No social circle, no life-before-exams regime. I want to, I really do, but I can’t bring myself not to wear a smile on my face, even if I do wear a smile on my face, is it really my mine? Maybe I’m just trying to be happy for others?
Maybe the people I try to score better against aren’t those “muggers” but actually those whom I know well, those who are around me. I know you are judging me, judging me from inside, grudges can be held against me but do you not think that I too? I won’t fall behind. I won’t let you gloat that you did better than me. I know how you guys felt when I scored well. I know that the deterioration of my grades unravelled a thread of glee in you.
“Haha, I beat Nicolas. He’s so fake and tries to be this all righteous person who seems nice on the outside but can’t do well in his studies. Why do I even bother knowing him?”
Laugh all you want. When I do better than you, don’t mistake my laughs and congratulations because I may not be laughing with you, but at you.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. =)=)=)
It’s so thrilling, I can just taste it.
Don’t you just hate the sight of me?
Hopefully my unstable self won’t snap anytime soon.
Because when that happens, I won’t be talking to any of you anytime soon.
And don’t you question me why.
Hail Mary.